RISK

more than others think is safe

CARE

more than others think is wise

DREAM

more than others think is practical

EXEPCT

more than other's think is possible

I got this poem from the class I was taking this week. I was so energized and encouraged and excited about teaching and next year and planning with a partner of mine...and I was constantly reminded about my lack of job. But I have this deep sense of hope, I don't know if it's wise or not, but I just feel like I'm going to be able to put all of things into effect...mostly I just don't know. But I'm hopeful, perhaps foolishly so, but it's there.

In the meantime I'm trying to take it easy, and relax, and work on not being busy...which I am TERRIBLE at, but here's a glimpse at my attempt!

These are the lights amidst all the unknowns of life right now. The thought of not walking into a classroom each day makes my heart break. Heather and I talked today about how each day for us it's like new levels of heartbreak. But I think that's how it is when you love what you do. So if nothing else comes from all of this, I know that this is more than a job for me. In college I was always so worried that teaching was a cop out for me and that it wasn't what I should/really want to be doing...but through the last couple of weeks it's become apparent that this is it. I may have other capacities in life, and there are other things that I want to do...but I am fulfilled here. So...I will continue to hold onto hope that the budget will sort itself out. I will pray that I will be graceful and kind through this process. I will hope that I will continue to be effective. And each day I will stand at the door and watch these faces walk through the door, I will give hugs when they are hurt, I will smile when they look at me, I will teach hard so that they soak up all they can, and I will laugh with them often and much. Because they are why I do what I do, not the paycheck, and above all I will remember that there is purpose to difficulties, even if it's not my favorite.
Seriously how can you not love these guys! :)

Musings

I sit here in the Cottage with delicious granola and yogurt and some steaming coffee, listening to the buzz of conversation. And it is just that today...the buzz of a huge bee as the Coffee Cottage is bursting at the seams today with people. There is something both comforting and lonely in the hubbub of conversation in coffee shops. One can loose themselves in their own thoughts and use the buzz as a sort of white noise for thinking, or you can indulge in the lack of people you have to buzz with...thanfully I've been pondering the former, not the latter.

It is graduation weekend in Newberg...not high school, but George Fox. The lovely women behind the counter this morning asked me when I graduated, and I had to think about it..."2006," I said, "whever that we was..." and then we both stood there trying to figure out how long ago that was...3 years ago...my gosh ahs it been that long. We were both in wonder that it had been 3 years. I think this might be one of the first times in a long time that I haven't felt incredibly sad as I look back. It's healthy I think. I treasure the time that I had at Fox. I am in awe once again of the Lord, and his timing in all things. And how truly out of the loop I usually am on what is good or not good for me. I came to Fox kicking and screaming, at least internally. I literally spent the first 3 monhts crying...seriously at least once a day. Yet this place that I was so scared about being at was the place that gave me a piece of ground to climb up on and explore, and the space to kind of figure out who I am...not that I've figured it out yet, but the questions were ok to c ask in this safe place. It gave me this incredible support system of friends that more closely resemble family then much of my own family, and certainly more so than I ever thought possible. I sat across the table earlier from a friend from college and marveled at how differently our lives hav worked out, yet how ok that was. We reminsiced about college and silliness and seriousness, and i realized that I can now fondly look back on this time and be content with where I'm at. Of course that's just today who knows how I will feel tomorrow...my emotions have always been a little fickle that way but all of this reminscing reminded me of something I found this week.

A staff member of ours feel and broke 3 of her ribs. She is the PILC teacher, so the teacher of the kdis who need and crave consistency the most. She has an incredible heart and drive for teaching...so much so that she hasn't reitred although she's been eligigble for years. As head of the social committee I was writing her a card to send and then I realized that she's a Chrstian and might appreciate some encouragement from the world, not just my feeble attempts at eloquent words. I looked up rest on the Lord or something of tha nature and found this website with verse and verse, page after page of verses...and each one pierced just a little. Am I so finite in my mind that I truly believe everything hinges on my plan? That God somehow has lost control of the situation becasue there are budget meetings, and layoffs, and RIFS, and NEA meetings? Did he somehow loose his supremacy in the midst of the stimulus packages...the answer should be a resounding No in my head and heart. I make the distinction because so many things I know in my head, but they take SO long to transwer to my heart. Why is that? As I read down the list of verses I was reminded (read beat over teh head senselssly with what I've been forgetting) that this is when God is at is best...when I am at my weakest, but because he delights in us feeling helpless or confused, but because that's one of the only times I can figure out how to get yself and my pride out of the way long enough to remember that I am not the big picture here...I even wrote thsi in a card today that reminded me somewhere in my subconcsious I do know that God is in control:
"I've noticed as of late that many things in my life are out of my control, but fortuantely we are held in a much safer and secure place. I pray we can remember that as the years continue we can remind each other of His love, steadfastness, and extreme faithfulness, when we inevitaby forget that there is a rock to which we cling...or at least should be."

I'm including the verse page because I just can't be the only one who consistently forgets that there is something else besides me and my musings...

Discoveries from a 1st Grade Math Unit

Discoveries Today:

- Goats are amazing...and so are the people that raise them!
- Their milk is incredibly beneficial for health things (I would be more specific if I could, I only know it cured arthritis and I read it in a poem too)
- I like goat milk...it tastes really good!
- Some first graders discovered something wonderful today...some did not!
- They are a lot more excited to try something if the teacher tries it too!
- 1st grade is awesome!

The goat lady was a real person! This is one of the most wonderful books I've ever read and I found it at Chapters for really cheap. As I was looking up the information about goats and such for today I found an article about the goat lady as the booy is based on a true story. So cool!

Easter...

The culmination of the Christian faith. Without the resurrection there is no Christianity. There is just a presumed savior that died on the cross just like all the other radicals, or criminals in Rome at that time. We know Jesus lived. Historically there is much to prove to that Jesus lived, and his living is important...but it's that whole raising from the dead thing that is so pivotal for our faith...yet as my pastor said today, and I thought it was so well put...we've heard the "punch line" so much that we don't seem to care anymore.

This guy read this poem before church even started today and it was all about how we should be dancing in the streets, and instead of wondering what to wear this morning we should have been dancing and singing and rejoicing...He is risen! Does it get any better than that? Is there anything sweeter than death conquered by our savior?

While I was listening to Rick this morning and trying to figure out where I lost the "magic" of it all, the wonder, etc. and I remembered a story told to me over and over to my parents. I was trying to decide if it's something I truly remember or if it's just the story pieces that have stuck in my mind. There used to be (and may still be) this garden in BC...I can't remember where but I think we went under a concrete tunnel thing and held our breaths (because that's what you do in tunnels!) to get there. Anyway in this garden were statues. And as my parents have an obsessions with gardens...VanDuzen gardens for LONG periods of time growing up...we used to go there a lot. The statues were of lots of things I think, but there were some depicting Jesus' life. There was an empty tomb on this little walk and I, as the story goes, was fascinated by this. I feel like I remember the sheer wonder and excitement of it being empty. I feel like I remember running in and out of it and being so excited that nothing was there, that he didn't die after all, it wasn't true, he was alive...and I was humbled for a moment. Where did that go? I want to be excited again, to feel wonder and amazement at this miracle. Who else has conquered death? In all world views there is death...and it's final. You don't come back alive from death, yes some people believe in reincarnation or life somwhere else...but it's not the same. Jesus ROSE FROM THE DEAD! Seriously. I can't even imagine what that would have looked like in the garden when people found out, or when he appeared to those people who loved him so dearly and were his closest friends and disciples on earth. How incredible...and some of the wonder is seeping back in because of my imagination but I want my heart to feel it.

http://www.imagodeicommunity.com/information/sermons/christ-is-risen-indeed/

So much to process and think about...and I wish I could remember the gardens name!

New friends...farm units...and no voice!

"I'm working with a not very well trained banker!"
- said Griffin as we were working on our new farm unit. You have to pay for the land and the different things you put on your farm, and I was the banker, as was my student teacher. Griffin felt that the student teacher wasn't making enough effort in this endeavor.

But this has been the coolest math unit. I have kids saying..."Yes it's math!" Now really, what teacher doesn't want to hear that?? And guess what they're doing? Counting by 5,'s 10's and 1's, using spatial reasoning to figure out where to put things, multiplying as they figure out how things cost, budgeting because they only have so much money...all in one unit, not to mention the geometry, map skills and such that they're using and reinforcing...have I mentioned that I love Bridges??

My job is wonderful, even when I'm tired and it's long and hard I love it! Today they did an awesome job of purchasing all of their farm and equipment and paying for it, I was so impressed! There were whispers of "5, 10, 15, 20, 25, " and "10, 20, 30, 40" and "15, 20, 21, 22, 23" and my favorite "No not like that, let me show you!"

I'll have to post a picture of their farms soon! :)

Frustrated Funk

I woke up this morning ready for a new day and almost immediately something else settled right into my emotions, it was sleeping and at bay during the night, but suddenly it awoke too, washing me in a funkish state.

There's clearly a battle going on in my head, and who knows where else. The emotional and rational are at odds again...which isn't so odd in my subconscious, to this extent however, it is different. I'm struggling between allowing this emotional piece to overtake me, or to overcome it and let it all go. There are so many pieces that would allow me to do one or the other, but it's the strangest feeling. I feel like Alice who is eating and drinking and shrinking and growing all the while wondering how in the world all of this occurred as you're not supposed to be able to grow and shrink at a moments notice. My rational side says that everything is fine. That I am not in control someone else is and that it will be fine. The worries that I have will sort themselves out, I will figure out how to live in a new reality if things do not go my way and that I am loved and supported. My emotional side wants my Mom! Is certain that things are not going to be ok and that they're going to be painful. Is anticipating new realities that I'm not interested in and is SO frustrated that once again my throat is sore, nose is running and coughing is still there.

What I need is always a bit of a foggy idea for me. I'm never sure if letting myself feel what I need to feel, then moving on to reality is the best idea or trying to stand strong under it and shoving it away is the best. I have done both successfully and I have tried both in the wrong circumstances resulting in current or delayed messes.

There are many times that I wish that I was 6, that I could curl up in my Daddy's lap and know that when I opened my eyes, everything would be ok. I've heard God likened to this more than once, but I just can't wrap my head around what that looks like without a physical lap. So I don't know what to choose...I don't know if emotional or rational will win...so, I'm going running in hopes that I can clear my head, or at least get involved enough that I don't think about the other stuff.