The rain has come at last...

There is a switch at the beginning of autumn each year. For a bit of time now it's been coming. I haven't said anything about it yet...sometimes if you speak of these things too quickly they slip away like fairies into the mist. The air has changed. Oh not all of the air, but the edges of it...there's a crispness that slides in at morning, and creeps back in around twilight. There have been other signs too...the spiders are out in full force, one large one specifically has been lost in our home for a bit...Heather however took care of him...poor spider! Leave are beginning to change. There is at least one leaf on every tree I've seen that has started-overachievers! This morning I got up at 6:00 for various reasons and it was still dark...one of my least favorite things about this season, but a sign nonetheless. Last week I was sitting on the porch reading and I heard the sound that is the culmination of the season...the geese. They're beginning to disappear to their winter homes. And now, it's as if the weather is reminding us all of what is coming. The intense rain came and with it a chill that is hanging in the air permanently now. The sun tries to pick at it a bit, but it's too late, autumn is here! With it comes all of my favorite things. But that's for a later date, my ode to Autumn!

So to mark this fabulous occurance I have done the following: purchased pussy willows that are now adorning the dining room reminding me of the softness of fall, made a fall color bouquet...and right this very minute I am eating homemade zucchini bread with homemade raspberry jam on top- drinking hot water with lemon- and watching something that warms my heart...Anne of Green Gables. Oh Anne with an e, how you can cure anything that is wrong in the world. Isn't Matthew just the most wonderful man? I truly hope to meet L.M. Montgomery in heaven someday. She and CS Lewis (and of course my father) are single handedly responsible for my imagination. I have already adopted Mr. Lewis as my grandfather...perhaps Ms. Montgomery can be my surregate grandmother...anyone who can write about the outdoors, fairies, human nature and the nature of relationships as beautifully as she does would be a kindred spirit for certain. Whether in "the depths of despair" or "at the heights" Anne has something for everyone. Oh to ask Miss Stacy a question, to wander around the "white way to light" and to frolic around good old PEI. Too bad I can only travel their in my imagination...

I am also finally starting to work on my t-shirt rug. The shirts have been sitting upstairs in the loft forever...and I'm purging everything, it's making me feel better about everything for some reason, plus I've committed to finishing my projects this sabbatical. I am not working on completeing the rag rug from Alterknits. Leigh Radford is a genius and remarkably dwells in Portland...the mecca for all I've decided. Sorry Tyler, but Portland is clearly superior...minus the ocean I do miss my ocean. This is what it should look like when I'm done...same color scheme as well...we'll see! Although yay for Heather and I not fitting into our old clothes, that's how I got all the fabric!

Airport Day

My darling friend Katie, who I met through a book group that I'm in...I should write about that sometime), made coffee for me this morning. We talked about life, and the book we're reading and watched her silly little girl play and sing. She is absolutely remarkable and I love watching her brain work and hard wire new information...did I mention she says Jessi in the cutest voice ever??

Then I ran to Sherwood to grab the world travelers...and we were off...after Tyler repacked his bag again!!! As we drove to the airport I listened to Tyler regail us with his tales of how amazing the world would be if he ran it. What an interesting way to say goodbye! Farewells are always so tricky for me...I really struggle with not making them bittersweet. This time specifically, especially because there's no right or wrong way to handle stuff like that. 23 days is a LONG time, just for the record!

I then proceeded to get lost on the way back from the airport. Shocking really since I've been there several times recently and in the grand scheme of my time in Oregon I have been there frequently. I tried to find a gas station and somehow ended up, actually I don't know where I was. But I got stopped at this red light and found myself being very frustrated. But then all these police cards and motor cycles came out of nowhere and a motorcycle group: The Patriot Riders, came riding by...and the a hurst and MANY military cars and flags. My mind suddenly realized that I totally believe that I'm at the center of the universe sometimes. But truth be told there's hundreds of thousands of "center of the universe" stories going on. For me it was the day I took some friends to the airport and then killed some time before school starts of Tuesday. But to this family or group of people it will forever be a different kind of day. How seflish am I in my own head sometimes? It reminded me a lot of the book we're reading in book group An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor. Barbara talks a lot about the practice of "waking up" and "paying attention" to things around us...but also to people. I find myself forgetting to do this on a regular basis. Everyone else has things going on too, just look into their faces and eyes.

I finally found my way to MLK and did some people watching, then headed over the bridge to the Pearl district. I decided just to park randomly and walked around hoping to find some interesting things. I had a blast from the past and found Hannah Anderson - a clothing company started in Portland. I practically grew up in these clothes when I was little. My mom bought the skirts, tights, pants, etc because "they were reasonable" and "so cute" and "they lasted forever".

Then I wandered around and found a ladybug cart...who knew in Portland of all places...and she was making polenta, and vegan meatballs with special sauces. So I had some..and cucumber basil lemonade...delicious!!! I found a park to eat in, partook in the food and Mrs. Taylor. If only all of my days could go like this...I'm not ready for school to start, I'm not ready to do the first day without people, I'm not ready to embrace the possibilities/come to terms with these crazy changes in my life, I'm not ready to even think about the future-I can barely grasp where we're at right now.

Tuesday is coming closer and closer...and I want to live it up before it dawns...if only I had someone to kayaak with tomorrow.

Lunch Yesterday...

In light of the summer drawing to a close, I've been trying to suck the life out of each day. Sometimes I do a great job...case in point- Wednesday. Wednesday: Woke up fairly earlyish, headed out to McMinnville (not connected by any major thoroughfare or road) to register as subs...again, had a fabulous breakfast, picked beautiful flowers at "Gramma's Place" and also some wildflowers along the road, bought some delicious produce at a roadside stand, found some pussywillows, went for a LONG and glorious run, hung out at the pool with a book, slept in the sun and then cooked dinner with good friends, and the day ended playing at the park...what could be better?

However Thursday I wasted a ton of time "cleaning and organizing". Why is it that you can start the day so full of ambition and plans, and it tanks after that coffee doesn't quite kick in the way you need it to? So much wasted time...the only true bright spot in the day was this fabulous salad that I just made up and reading outside (and the first part of saying goodbye too...not to diminish that!)...and a truly brilliant idea. I am going to start documenting my various fabulously relaxing lunches that I make, or find randomly.

Sadly my USB ports have suddenly stopped working on my laptop, so I can't upload the picture yet...but "picture" (ha ha) this...fresh: avacados, peaches, purple (yes, that's right purple) pepper, blackberries, and mozerella cheese. The dressing: 2 spoonfuls Nancy's yogurt, a splish of balsamic vinegar, a splash of agave syrup, a squeeze of lime and a dash of salt...stired together and poured over the salad...bravissimo!!! Fabulous...throw in some "Under the Tuscan Sun" and I'm a happy camper out on the porch.

Stay tuned for today's lunch...I had to register for insurance last night and didn't quite get this part out...that and the end of the night was not what I expected. C'est la vie, hmm...what's french for clearly I'm mostly ridiculous? Clairement, je suis la plupart du temps ridicule!

Sabbatical

I am on a sabbatical (this is how I am now referring to my forced non-classroom status). I have been strongly encouraged, to the point of harassment, by someone I love to take some time to just be, and to figure things out...to borrow the cliche and extremely overused status of "finding myself". But of course I can't just sit around waiting for this to happen, I am therefore going to do the following:

- I will be taking a children's writing course, in the spirit of finally finishing that book that I've been writing and see what might come next.
- Cooking classes...just a couple here and there that I think might be fun
- A sewing class...and yes I am going to finish the apron I cut out over a month ago
- Finishing all of my unfinished knitting projects...I am going to attempt to not start another one until all these other things are finished.
- Writing sunday school curriculum with Karen for church (guilty indulgent pleasure!)
- My book group...and one I have created for myself about food (Kingsolver, Pollan, Kessler, Schaeffer)
- My self discovery series (just picked up from Powell's with the credit from selling books!): Surprised by Joy- C.S. Lewis, Walking on Water- Madeline L'Engle, Title I can't remember but which sounds delicious- Thomas Merton, The Four Loves- C.S. Lewis, Plan B- Anne Lamot, and something by Catherine Marshall that I can't remember the title of...more titles to come as I discover more!
- Yoga! Yes I am finally going to do it!
- Running/Pilates/Biking...on a consistent basis once again now that I will have a schedule back in place
- Buying a bike...yes it will happen, maybe not before my consultant goes to Australia, but it will happen!
- Redecorating/purging myself of all unwanted/unused things!

I am harkening to a different me. One who lives in the moment (or at least will try to) and who will be content with where I am. Though it is not where I want to be necessarily, this whole sabbatical idea has struck a chord within me somehwere and I am now quite excited to be present for this next phase. This isn't to say that I am not still sad...bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils have been dancing through my head...walking into "my" organized classroom of someone else's stuff today nearly took my breath a way...not in the good way. But under the grief (sounds melodramatic, but that's what it's been) I have decided to embrace the time. Therefore I am starting this new chapter with fidelity (yes the f word) and felicity...I added that just for the lovely assonance in creates.

Goodbye former purpose, hello sabbatical...those of you wishing to find me will either find me not at home, curled up reading somewhere or laying out under the stars training myself to be present in the here and now...I think I see the big dipper now!

RISK

more than others think is safe

CARE

more than others think is wise

DREAM

more than others think is practical

EXEPCT

more than other's think is possible

I got this poem from the class I was taking this week. I was so energized and encouraged and excited about teaching and next year and planning with a partner of mine...and I was constantly reminded about my lack of job. But I have this deep sense of hope, I don't know if it's wise or not, but I just feel like I'm going to be able to put all of things into effect...mostly I just don't know. But I'm hopeful, perhaps foolishly so, but it's there.

In the meantime I'm trying to take it easy, and relax, and work on not being busy...which I am TERRIBLE at, but here's a glimpse at my attempt!

These are the lights amidst all the unknowns of life right now. The thought of not walking into a classroom each day makes my heart break. Heather and I talked today about how each day for us it's like new levels of heartbreak. But I think that's how it is when you love what you do. So if nothing else comes from all of this, I know that this is more than a job for me. In college I was always so worried that teaching was a cop out for me and that it wasn't what I should/really want to be doing...but through the last couple of weeks it's become apparent that this is it. I may have other capacities in life, and there are other things that I want to do...but I am fulfilled here. So...I will continue to hold onto hope that the budget will sort itself out. I will pray that I will be graceful and kind through this process. I will hope that I will continue to be effective. And each day I will stand at the door and watch these faces walk through the door, I will give hugs when they are hurt, I will smile when they look at me, I will teach hard so that they soak up all they can, and I will laugh with them often and much. Because they are why I do what I do, not the paycheck, and above all I will remember that there is purpose to difficulties, even if it's not my favorite.
Seriously how can you not love these guys! :)

Musings

I sit here in the Cottage with delicious granola and yogurt and some steaming coffee, listening to the buzz of conversation. And it is just that today...the buzz of a huge bee as the Coffee Cottage is bursting at the seams today with people. There is something both comforting and lonely in the hubbub of conversation in coffee shops. One can loose themselves in their own thoughts and use the buzz as a sort of white noise for thinking, or you can indulge in the lack of people you have to buzz with...thanfully I've been pondering the former, not the latter.

It is graduation weekend in Newberg...not high school, but George Fox. The lovely women behind the counter this morning asked me when I graduated, and I had to think about it..."2006," I said, "whever that we was..." and then we both stood there trying to figure out how long ago that was...3 years ago...my gosh ahs it been that long. We were both in wonder that it had been 3 years. I think this might be one of the first times in a long time that I haven't felt incredibly sad as I look back. It's healthy I think. I treasure the time that I had at Fox. I am in awe once again of the Lord, and his timing in all things. And how truly out of the loop I usually am on what is good or not good for me. I came to Fox kicking and screaming, at least internally. I literally spent the first 3 monhts crying...seriously at least once a day. Yet this place that I was so scared about being at was the place that gave me a piece of ground to climb up on and explore, and the space to kind of figure out who I am...not that I've figured it out yet, but the questions were ok to c ask in this safe place. It gave me this incredible support system of friends that more closely resemble family then much of my own family, and certainly more so than I ever thought possible. I sat across the table earlier from a friend from college and marveled at how differently our lives hav worked out, yet how ok that was. We reminsiced about college and silliness and seriousness, and i realized that I can now fondly look back on this time and be content with where I'm at. Of course that's just today who knows how I will feel tomorrow...my emotions have always been a little fickle that way but all of this reminscing reminded me of something I found this week.

A staff member of ours feel and broke 3 of her ribs. She is the PILC teacher, so the teacher of the kdis who need and crave consistency the most. She has an incredible heart and drive for teaching...so much so that she hasn't reitred although she's been eligigble for years. As head of the social committee I was writing her a card to send and then I realized that she's a Chrstian and might appreciate some encouragement from the world, not just my feeble attempts at eloquent words. I looked up rest on the Lord or something of tha nature and found this website with verse and verse, page after page of verses...and each one pierced just a little. Am I so finite in my mind that I truly believe everything hinges on my plan? That God somehow has lost control of the situation becasue there are budget meetings, and layoffs, and RIFS, and NEA meetings? Did he somehow loose his supremacy in the midst of the stimulus packages...the answer should be a resounding No in my head and heart. I make the distinction because so many things I know in my head, but they take SO long to transwer to my heart. Why is that? As I read down the list of verses I was reminded (read beat over teh head senselssly with what I've been forgetting) that this is when God is at is best...when I am at my weakest, but because he delights in us feeling helpless or confused, but because that's one of the only times I can figure out how to get yself and my pride out of the way long enough to remember that I am not the big picture here...I even wrote thsi in a card today that reminded me somewhere in my subconcsious I do know that God is in control:
"I've noticed as of late that many things in my life are out of my control, but fortuantely we are held in a much safer and secure place. I pray we can remember that as the years continue we can remind each other of His love, steadfastness, and extreme faithfulness, when we inevitaby forget that there is a rock to which we cling...or at least should be."

I'm including the verse page because I just can't be the only one who consistently forgets that there is something else besides me and my musings...