It is incredible to me that I can go from being a mature, poised (somewhat) 25 year old...and over the course of one phone call that I didn't even get to answer, I am suddenly 14.

I guess it goes to show you that you don't really grow out of the anxiety or crazy ridiculousness...especially if it's genetically a part of your makeup...thanks a lot mom! :) I am just a place for panic to dwell...this week has been a great display of this talent that I possess and it's only Tuesday. I have panicked over my car, my job, running, money, teaching, field trips, the art auction, and now a whole pack of other things that come with one phone call...amazing!

My father reminded me not so subtly of the command, not suggestion, of do not be anxious...you know that's actually one of the most difficult things in my realm of life. And it's all over, in many, many places...so it's obviously not just a passing fancy, but rather something I'm supposed to pay attention to...I'm figuring out how to work on this...and in the meantime trying not to act 14.

Oops!

A friend of mine recently was searching for my blog and found this:

http://jessiwhitaker.blogspot.com/

Yes! I blog I started in 2006, right after graduation...ironically this is the same blog that didn't allow me to use Jessi Whitaker as my blogspot name 2 years later when I started another blog. I don't even remember creating this first one, but it was very interesting reading it now...

How is it that I haven't really figured out much since that first post after graduation??

Wonderings

I find myself continually furstrated and confused about who I am.

Reading this book "Ruby Slippers" has made me think a lot...mostly about how odd and seemingly incorrect she (Jonalyn Grace Fincher) is...but has also made me stop and ponder:
- God created male and female. Why? Before the fall, what was the purpose for both? What do I as a woman bring to the table that is different, unique, and important? paraphrased: What is the point?
- Who am I? Friends, social influences, family influences, boxes, books, stereotypes aside, who am I?
- What is the truth behind creation? Is it a historical document? Narrative explained to the best of the ability at the time? Myth based on fact? And if it something else than pure fact...what's the point of Adam and Eve? Are they true? And if not, is there any hope of discovering God's pure purpose for women without the example before the fall?

There are so many things I do not understand. And my fear is that there is no definitive answer. The more I search, I feel like more questions arise that lead me into tangents with even more questions...leaving me much more confused and lost than before, but somehow also settled and content. Can you be both at once? So much of the time I feel my emotions and feelings are at odds with each other, almost paradoxical. I wonder the purpose behind that.

One of the most useful things from Fincher's book, at least thus far from my perspective, has been the discussion of knowhitng what's behind my emotions at any given moment. And then the idea that it is my job to figure out whwat's going on and then turning it back over to the Lord, to change the deeper issue, to work on my heart and the whys. And even, perhaps in my case, to ask for the wisdom and clarity to even distinguish what is in my emotions.

I'm 25. I feel like I should be so much further than I am, in so many ways. Is that truth or lies that I'm supposed to believe so that I feel less than I actually am?

Many questions for a Sunday night before a new week of school!

The Paradox

I sat today in a wonderful bakery full of lots of hustle and bustle, wonderful smells, and lots of people talking, some in English, some not...and it was a beautiful thing. To sit across from a truly kindred spirit...to borrow an addege from Anne...

It is a beautiful thing to be understood. To be able to share what is on your heart and mind with another person and to have them "get you" for lack of a better term. These last few months have been filled with so much. I find myself wheeling and whirling in spite of everything as I try and figure out the answers to seriously big questions. And today there were no profound answers, writing in the sky or hand delivered notes or codes broken...but there was an exchange of thoughts, of fears and struggles, a safe place to talk and to listen. Beauty is found in the most interesting places, and so often places I don't expect or even realize are there.

And yet there is another piece to the day...the piece where you are let down, hurt, or forgotten. Such a huge paradox from the beauty, safety and serenity of the afternoon. But isn't that how life truly is? This paradox of good and bad, beautiful and ugly, kind and cruel...it's a constant balancing act I feel like just to keep my head above the water sometimes...

But there is a choice...as I was reminded by a sweet person late this evening: and God has been with you so far and he will continue to be there for you for the next quarter century. It's good to be reminded that He's not going anywhere and just have to believe that when we feel out of control he is the most in control.
My youth pastor in high school also used to sing this song ALL the time, it was his favorite...God is good, all the time, through the darkest night his light will shine, God is good, God is good, all the time.

And so I remember that there is a choice. Life may be full of paradoxes and things out of my control...but I still have the choice. And so hard as it may be at this moment right now, I choose to remember the beauty of this afternoon, the kindness of a friend, and with God's grace and his giant arms that I can almost imagine enveloping me, I will try and let the rest fade away. Though there is a piece of me that is hurt, I feel that the bigger part of me (hopefully) is trying to find a place of healing for so many parts of me. And the fact that there is someone who is willing to walk through that with me, is so encouraging...although the bigger reminder here I feel is that there is always someone walking beside me as I go through different things...it's the same person that gets swept under the run and disappears away from thoughts when life is perfect and happy...so I am going to continue to work towards letting that person be my focus instead of the other stuff...oh how tricky that truly is. Perhaps at 25 I'll magically get it! :)

Come, thou long-expected Jesus, born to set thy people free;

From our fears and sins release us, let us find our rest in thee.

Israel's strength and consolation, hope of all the earth thou art;

Dear desire of every nation, joy of every longing heart.

- Charles Wesley

In this crazy season of Christmas may we not loose sight of the reason we celebrate. It's not the mall's holiday, it's our celebration, it's the climax of a story older than time...it's our hope, it's our story, and as my pastor said yesterday, we obviously haven't been telling it very well...Here's to a simpler Christmas, a remembrance of why we celebrate, a moment to pause and listen to the songs we sing at this time, many who have gone before us understood what Christmas was all about. That is my prayer for myself and my friends and family this year.

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"You are a leading lady, who is living her life as the best friend!"
- wise old man in "The Holiday"

Thanks Mom for taking me to Walgreens!

As you grow, you will need new shoes often,
and I would give you otherthings to stand on that are handsome and useful
and fit you well,
that are not all plastic,
that are real and knowable and leatherhard,
things that will move with you and breathe rain or air,
and wear well in all weather.

For beauty, I would buy a gem for you from the earth's heart
and a ring that is gold clear through
and clothes the colors of flowers.
I would cultivate in you a gentle spirit,
and curiosity,
and wonder in your eyes.
For use,
in your house I'd hang doors that are solid wood
without hidden panels of air,
set in walls built on brick more than one inch thick.
On your floors I'd stretch fleeces from black shee's backs
and for your sleep, sheets spun from fibers that grew, once,
on the flanks of the fields.
I'd mount for you on small,
clean mirror for a grinning glimpse of windows to the world,
with sashes and open hard,
but once lifted,
let in breath of pure sun,
the smell of day,
a taste of wold wind,
an earful of green music.

Now and always,
you will need to be nourished.
For your mind-poems and plays,
and words on the pages of thousands of books:
Beuteronomy, Dante and Donne,
Hosea and Hopkins,
L'Engle and Lewis.
For your spirit, mysteries and praise, sureties and prayer.
For your teeth and tongue,
real bread the color of grain at a feast,
baked and broken fresh each day,
apricots and raisins
cheese and olive oil and honey that live bees have brought from the orchard.
For drink I'd pour you wine that remembers
sun and shadow on the hillside where it grew,
and spring water wet enough to slake your forever thirst.

As you grow, the air around you
will be full of calls and strange directions.
Choices pulling at you and confusion of dreams.
And I would show you a true compass and how to use it,
and sun steady in its orbit and a way
through the woods by a path that will not peter out.

Soon you will know well the sound of love's voice
and you have, already, hands,
and a heart and a mouth that will answer.
And I would learn with you more
of how love gives and receives,
both, with both palms open.
I am standing here,
far enough away for you to stretch and breathe,
close enough to shield you from some of the chill
and to tell you of a comfort that is stronger,
more real,
that will come closer still.

- Luci Shaw