The Paradox

I sat today in a wonderful bakery full of lots of hustle and bustle, wonderful smells, and lots of people talking, some in English, some not...and it was a beautiful thing. To sit across from a truly kindred spirit...to borrow an addege from Anne...

It is a beautiful thing to be understood. To be able to share what is on your heart and mind with another person and to have them "get you" for lack of a better term. These last few months have been filled with so much. I find myself wheeling and whirling in spite of everything as I try and figure out the answers to seriously big questions. And today there were no profound answers, writing in the sky or hand delivered notes or codes broken...but there was an exchange of thoughts, of fears and struggles, a safe place to talk and to listen. Beauty is found in the most interesting places, and so often places I don't expect or even realize are there.

And yet there is another piece to the day...the piece where you are let down, hurt, or forgotten. Such a huge paradox from the beauty, safety and serenity of the afternoon. But isn't that how life truly is? This paradox of good and bad, beautiful and ugly, kind and cruel...it's a constant balancing act I feel like just to keep my head above the water sometimes...

But there is a choice...as I was reminded by a sweet person late this evening: and God has been with you so far and he will continue to be there for you for the next quarter century. It's good to be reminded that He's not going anywhere and just have to believe that when we feel out of control he is the most in control.
My youth pastor in high school also used to sing this song ALL the time, it was his favorite...God is good, all the time, through the darkest night his light will shine, God is good, God is good, all the time.

And so I remember that there is a choice. Life may be full of paradoxes and things out of my control...but I still have the choice. And so hard as it may be at this moment right now, I choose to remember the beauty of this afternoon, the kindness of a friend, and with God's grace and his giant arms that I can almost imagine enveloping me, I will try and let the rest fade away. Though there is a piece of me that is hurt, I feel that the bigger part of me (hopefully) is trying to find a place of healing for so many parts of me. And the fact that there is someone who is willing to walk through that with me, is so encouraging...although the bigger reminder here I feel is that there is always someone walking beside me as I go through different things...it's the same person that gets swept under the run and disappears away from thoughts when life is perfect and happy...so I am going to continue to work towards letting that person be my focus instead of the other stuff...oh how tricky that truly is. Perhaps at 25 I'll magically get it! :)