These are the lights amidst all the unknowns of life right now. The thought of not walking into a classroom each day makes my heart break. Heather and I talked today about how each day for us it's like new levels of heartbreak. But I think that's how it is when you love what you do. So if nothing else comes from all of this, I know that this is more than a job for me. In college I was always so worried that teaching was a cop out for me and that it wasn't what I should/really want to be doing...but through the last couple of weeks it's become apparent that this is it. I may have other capacities in life, and there are other things that I want to do...but I am fulfilled here. So...I will continue to hold onto hope that the budget will sort itself out. I will pray that I will be graceful and kind through this process. I will hope that I will continue to be effective. And each day I will stand at the door and watch these faces walk through the door, I will give hugs when they are hurt, I will smile when they look at me, I will teach hard so that they soak up all they can, and I will laugh with them often and much. Because they are why I do what I do, not the paycheck, and above all I will remember that there is purpose to difficulties, even if it's not my favorite.
Seriously how can you not love these guys! :)

Musings

I sit here in the Cottage with delicious granola and yogurt and some steaming coffee, listening to the buzz of conversation. And it is just that today...the buzz of a huge bee as the Coffee Cottage is bursting at the seams today with people. There is something both comforting and lonely in the hubbub of conversation in coffee shops. One can loose themselves in their own thoughts and use the buzz as a sort of white noise for thinking, or you can indulge in the lack of people you have to buzz with...thanfully I've been pondering the former, not the latter.

It is graduation weekend in Newberg...not high school, but George Fox. The lovely women behind the counter this morning asked me when I graduated, and I had to think about it..."2006," I said, "whever that we was..." and then we both stood there trying to figure out how long ago that was...3 years ago...my gosh ahs it been that long. We were both in wonder that it had been 3 years. I think this might be one of the first times in a long time that I haven't felt incredibly sad as I look back. It's healthy I think. I treasure the time that I had at Fox. I am in awe once again of the Lord, and his timing in all things. And how truly out of the loop I usually am on what is good or not good for me. I came to Fox kicking and screaming, at least internally. I literally spent the first 3 monhts crying...seriously at least once a day. Yet this place that I was so scared about being at was the place that gave me a piece of ground to climb up on and explore, and the space to kind of figure out who I am...not that I've figured it out yet, but the questions were ok to c ask in this safe place. It gave me this incredible support system of friends that more closely resemble family then much of my own family, and certainly more so than I ever thought possible. I sat across the table earlier from a friend from college and marveled at how differently our lives hav worked out, yet how ok that was. We reminsiced about college and silliness and seriousness, and i realized that I can now fondly look back on this time and be content with where I'm at. Of course that's just today who knows how I will feel tomorrow...my emotions have always been a little fickle that way but all of this reminscing reminded me of something I found this week.

A staff member of ours feel and broke 3 of her ribs. She is the PILC teacher, so the teacher of the kdis who need and crave consistency the most. She has an incredible heart and drive for teaching...so much so that she hasn't reitred although she's been eligigble for years. As head of the social committee I was writing her a card to send and then I realized that she's a Chrstian and might appreciate some encouragement from the world, not just my feeble attempts at eloquent words. I looked up rest on the Lord or something of tha nature and found this website with verse and verse, page after page of verses...and each one pierced just a little. Am I so finite in my mind that I truly believe everything hinges on my plan? That God somehow has lost control of the situation becasue there are budget meetings, and layoffs, and RIFS, and NEA meetings? Did he somehow loose his supremacy in the midst of the stimulus packages...the answer should be a resounding No in my head and heart. I make the distinction because so many things I know in my head, but they take SO long to transwer to my heart. Why is that? As I read down the list of verses I was reminded (read beat over teh head senselssly with what I've been forgetting) that this is when God is at is best...when I am at my weakest, but because he delights in us feeling helpless or confused, but because that's one of the only times I can figure out how to get yself and my pride out of the way long enough to remember that I am not the big picture here...I even wrote thsi in a card today that reminded me somewhere in my subconcsious I do know that God is in control:
"I've noticed as of late that many things in my life are out of my control, but fortuantely we are held in a much safer and secure place. I pray we can remember that as the years continue we can remind each other of His love, steadfastness, and extreme faithfulness, when we inevitaby forget that there is a rock to which we cling...or at least should be."

I'm including the verse page because I just can't be the only one who consistently forgets that there is something else besides me and my musings...