"A glorious October, all red and gold, with mellow mornings when the valleys were filled with delicate mists as if the spirit of autumn had poured them in for the sun to grain- amethyst, pearl, silver, rose and smoke-blue. The dews were so heavy that the fields glistened like cloth of silver and there were such heaps of rustling leaves in the hallows of many-stemmed woods to run crisply through. The Birch Path was a canopy of yellow and the ferns were sear and brown and all along it. There was a tang in the very air that inspired the hearts of small maidens tripping, unlike snails, swiftly and willingly to school." - L.M. Montgomery- "Anne of Green Gables"
I find something magical about Lucy Maud Montgomery. When I read her stories I feel like they are speaking to my soul. I know that sounds very strange, but I feel my heart catch in my throat when I read her descriptions. I want to live in her world where everything looks like this. I want to be Miss Stacy and love Anne and be friends with her. I want to have known Matthew and hug Marilla even though she comes off as prickly. Even more than that I would love to be loved by Gilbert, someone who loves Anne to the depth and core of who she is. What a magical story. No matter how many times I read it I am entranced by the words. That is the kind of author and woman I long to be...like Anne, who's world is always full of life. Even when she is in the "depth of despair" there is always hope, and a sense that she knows who she is and is willing to accept that, even if others do not. Where does that confidence come from? And how can you get it?
I guess I come from the generation that thinks that a class or book or forum will magically change my attitude on things. It's a quick fix that we're all looking for, something that I can purchase and suddenly be Anne. Can't you purchase her fragrance somewhere and then be suddenly be her?? Taking life slowly and being content seems like an easy thing to do, and something that I can tackle and handle when I'm sitting here in The Cottage listening to big band music and sipping a soy latte...but in the middle of class tomorrow, and at night when I haven't finished what I need to finish, and as people around me are purchasing new cars and houses, it's harder to be content....I know that there's an answer to this question, but I don't know how to utilize that or even begin to tap into that power/answer. There wasn't a class for that at Fox. I find the older I get that I actually have no idea who I am. I have fleeting inklings that linger and whisper into my ear of who I want to be, and what kind of woman I want to be, but nothing tangible. And just when I think I've mastered something, a curve ball comes in and I suddenly act and react like I'm 12...and it's back to the drawing board. I marvel at women I know who seem to be so comfortable in their skin. I feel like I"m getting closer, but then I look at Zoe, who is 16, and already at home in her body and mind. What a remarkable thing to know who you are at 16 and to have the courage not to change based on those around you. If only she could teach a class!
There are so many things that I want to do, and so many things that I want to be involved in, and yet so much that I don't do because I am afraid or I feel like I can't. Is it possible to feel isolated in an unlonely way? I am surrounded by a fabulous support system, yet I often feel so isolated, not lonely, just kind of out there...when does that change? Or am I asking too much for that to be something that changes?
Life is a funny thing! I don't think I will ever grasp the parts that I need to. Yet I find many pieces to this puzzle in Anne of Green Gables. Anne and L.M. are increasingly wise I think:
"The trouble with you Anne, is that you're thinking too much about yourself!" -Marilla
"Do you never imagine things different from what they really are?" asked Anne wide-eyed. "No." "Oh!" Anne drew a long breath, "Oh Marilla, how much you miss!" - Anne
And I close with this thought from the all wise Anne, as I ponder this for myself as well, Anne you are wise beyond your years, may you continue to touch the hearts of readers:
"Somehow," she told Dianna, "when I'm going through here I don't really care whether Gil- whether anybody gets ahead of me in class or not. But when I'm up in school it's all different and I care as much as ever. There's such a lot of different Anne's in me. I sometime think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If i was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, then then it wouldn't be half so interesting."
- Anne (with an e)
I find something magical about Lucy Maud Montgomery. When I read her stories I feel like they are speaking to my soul. I know that sounds very strange, but I feel my heart catch in my throat when I read her descriptions. I want to live in her world where everything looks like this. I want to be Miss Stacy and love Anne and be friends with her. I want to have known Matthew and hug Marilla even though she comes off as prickly. Even more than that I would love to be loved by Gilbert, someone who loves Anne to the depth and core of who she is. What a magical story. No matter how many times I read it I am entranced by the words. That is the kind of author and woman I long to be...like Anne, who's world is always full of life. Even when she is in the "depth of despair" there is always hope, and a sense that she knows who she is and is willing to accept that, even if others do not. Where does that confidence come from? And how can you get it?
I guess I come from the generation that thinks that a class or book or forum will magically change my attitude on things. It's a quick fix that we're all looking for, something that I can purchase and suddenly be Anne. Can't you purchase her fragrance somewhere and then be suddenly be her?? Taking life slowly and being content seems like an easy thing to do, and something that I can tackle and handle when I'm sitting here in The Cottage listening to big band music and sipping a soy latte...but in the middle of class tomorrow, and at night when I haven't finished what I need to finish, and as people around me are purchasing new cars and houses, it's harder to be content....I know that there's an answer to this question, but I don't know how to utilize that or even begin to tap into that power/answer. There wasn't a class for that at Fox. I find the older I get that I actually have no idea who I am. I have fleeting inklings that linger and whisper into my ear of who I want to be, and what kind of woman I want to be, but nothing tangible. And just when I think I've mastered something, a curve ball comes in and I suddenly act and react like I'm 12...and it's back to the drawing board. I marvel at women I know who seem to be so comfortable in their skin. I feel like I"m getting closer, but then I look at Zoe, who is 16, and already at home in her body and mind. What a remarkable thing to know who you are at 16 and to have the courage not to change based on those around you. If only she could teach a class!
There are so many things that I want to do, and so many things that I want to be involved in, and yet so much that I don't do because I am afraid or I feel like I can't. Is it possible to feel isolated in an unlonely way? I am surrounded by a fabulous support system, yet I often feel so isolated, not lonely, just kind of out there...when does that change? Or am I asking too much for that to be something that changes?
Life is a funny thing! I don't think I will ever grasp the parts that I need to. Yet I find many pieces to this puzzle in Anne of Green Gables. Anne and L.M. are increasingly wise I think:
"The trouble with you Anne, is that you're thinking too much about yourself!" -Marilla
"Do you never imagine things different from what they really are?" asked Anne wide-eyed. "No." "Oh!" Anne drew a long breath, "Oh Marilla, how much you miss!" - Anne
And I close with this thought from the all wise Anne, as I ponder this for myself as well, Anne you are wise beyond your years, may you continue to touch the hearts of readers:
"Somehow," she told Dianna, "when I'm going through here I don't really care whether Gil- whether anybody gets ahead of me in class or not. But when I'm up in school it's all different and I care as much as ever. There's such a lot of different Anne's in me. I sometime think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If i was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, then then it wouldn't be half so interesting."
- Anne (with an e)
1 comment:
Did you take that photo? It's beautiful!
Anyone who can express themselves as poignantly and elegantly and transparently as you do is doing JUST FINE. All those people that we see around us who seem to have it all together are wrestling with all the same things you (and I) do. They are just better at hiding it...from themselves and from everyone else. It's the "human condition". I LONG to be like Paul, content in whatever circumstances I find myself." But it eludes me as much now as it did 40 years ago!
We will talk at length on this when we have the chance.
You need to know from one who knows you INTIMATELY that you are a remarkable, talented, generous, kind, compassionate, creative woman with the lovely gift of a childlike heart...it's a cross to bear as well as a gift, tho'. So hang in there. You really are not alone. We'll talk! LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH, Mom
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