It is incredible to me that I can go from being a mature, poised (somewhat) 25 year old...and over the course of one phone call that I didn't even get to answer, I am suddenly 14.

I guess it goes to show you that you don't really grow out of the anxiety or crazy ridiculousness...especially if it's genetically a part of your makeup...thanks a lot mom! :) I am just a place for panic to dwell...this week has been a great display of this talent that I possess and it's only Tuesday. I have panicked over my car, my job, running, money, teaching, field trips, the art auction, and now a whole pack of other things that come with one phone call...amazing!

My father reminded me not so subtly of the command, not suggestion, of do not be anxious...you know that's actually one of the most difficult things in my realm of life. And it's all over, in many, many places...so it's obviously not just a passing fancy, but rather something I'm supposed to pay attention to...I'm figuring out how to work on this...and in the meantime trying not to act 14.

Oops!

A friend of mine recently was searching for my blog and found this:

http://jessiwhitaker.blogspot.com/

Yes! I blog I started in 2006, right after graduation...ironically this is the same blog that didn't allow me to use Jessi Whitaker as my blogspot name 2 years later when I started another blog. I don't even remember creating this first one, but it was very interesting reading it now...

How is it that I haven't really figured out much since that first post after graduation??

Wonderings

I find myself continually furstrated and confused about who I am.

Reading this book "Ruby Slippers" has made me think a lot...mostly about how odd and seemingly incorrect she (Jonalyn Grace Fincher) is...but has also made me stop and ponder:
- God created male and female. Why? Before the fall, what was the purpose for both? What do I as a woman bring to the table that is different, unique, and important? paraphrased: What is the point?
- Who am I? Friends, social influences, family influences, boxes, books, stereotypes aside, who am I?
- What is the truth behind creation? Is it a historical document? Narrative explained to the best of the ability at the time? Myth based on fact? And if it something else than pure fact...what's the point of Adam and Eve? Are they true? And if not, is there any hope of discovering God's pure purpose for women without the example before the fall?

There are so many things I do not understand. And my fear is that there is no definitive answer. The more I search, I feel like more questions arise that lead me into tangents with even more questions...leaving me much more confused and lost than before, but somehow also settled and content. Can you be both at once? So much of the time I feel my emotions and feelings are at odds with each other, almost paradoxical. I wonder the purpose behind that.

One of the most useful things from Fincher's book, at least thus far from my perspective, has been the discussion of knowhitng what's behind my emotions at any given moment. And then the idea that it is my job to figure out whwat's going on and then turning it back over to the Lord, to change the deeper issue, to work on my heart and the whys. And even, perhaps in my case, to ask for the wisdom and clarity to even distinguish what is in my emotions.

I'm 25. I feel like I should be so much further than I am, in so many ways. Is that truth or lies that I'm supposed to believe so that I feel less than I actually am?

Many questions for a Sunday night before a new week of school!