Frustrated Funk

I woke up this morning ready for a new day and almost immediately something else settled right into my emotions, it was sleeping and at bay during the night, but suddenly it awoke too, washing me in a funkish state.

There's clearly a battle going on in my head, and who knows where else. The emotional and rational are at odds again...which isn't so odd in my subconscious, to this extent however, it is different. I'm struggling between allowing this emotional piece to overtake me, or to overcome it and let it all go. There are so many pieces that would allow me to do one or the other, but it's the strangest feeling. I feel like Alice who is eating and drinking and shrinking and growing all the while wondering how in the world all of this occurred as you're not supposed to be able to grow and shrink at a moments notice. My rational side says that everything is fine. That I am not in control someone else is and that it will be fine. The worries that I have will sort themselves out, I will figure out how to live in a new reality if things do not go my way and that I am loved and supported. My emotional side wants my Mom! Is certain that things are not going to be ok and that they're going to be painful. Is anticipating new realities that I'm not interested in and is SO frustrated that once again my throat is sore, nose is running and coughing is still there.

What I need is always a bit of a foggy idea for me. I'm never sure if letting myself feel what I need to feel, then moving on to reality is the best idea or trying to stand strong under it and shoving it away is the best. I have done both successfully and I have tried both in the wrong circumstances resulting in current or delayed messes.

There are many times that I wish that I was 6, that I could curl up in my Daddy's lap and know that when I opened my eyes, everything would be ok. I've heard God likened to this more than once, but I just can't wrap my head around what that looks like without a physical lap. So I don't know what to choose...I don't know if emotional or rational will win...so, I'm going running in hopes that I can clear my head, or at least get involved enough that I don't think about the other stuff.