Relaxing on Sunday

After several months of insanity and go go go on weekends, there was finally a break on the horizon.

There are mornings when you wake up and everything is right. Oh to wake as I did this morning, every morning!

Church= fabulous! I am constantly surprised by the commitment to God, truth and others that this place exudes. I am thankful to have found a place to call a church home.

On the way home from church we have this new tradition that I love...over to the Hawthorne Powell's to either pick up preordered books or to simply browse and revel in the immensity of the written word available to my eager fingers. Then next door to the closest I will come to an Italian market this side of Italy. Josh fell in love with it because he adores pasta, and they have homemade pasta with the most delicious sauces...today's pick was an interesting one: tomatoes, onions, pine nuts, currants, vinegar, chocolate (no really), and some other things. While we browse for lunch I get Italian espresso and on our way home singing loudly seems to be a theme. A glass of wine, pasta, Josh and an episode of FlashForward...perfection!

I did nothing for school this weekend, and after lunch I watched Josh finish the tree at his house, took a nap, ate pizza and literally left the couch maybe 3 times tops...perfection again. I don't often understand life or how it comes to be, but I'm exceptionally thankful.

Thoughts today courtesy of the great mind of Madeline L'Engle:

As we move into Advent we are called to listen, something we seldom take time to
in this frenetic world of over-activity. But waiting for birth, waiting for death-
these are the listening times, when the normal distractions of life have lost their
power to take away from God's call to center in Christ.

Once again, as happened during the past nearly two thousand years, predictions are
being made of the time of this Second Coming, which, Jesus emphasized, "even the
in heaven do not know." But we as human creatures, who are "a little lower than the
angels" too frequently try to set ourselves above them with our predictions and our
arrogant assumption of knowledge with God hid even from the angels.

Advent is not a time to declare, but to listen, to listen
to whatever God may want to tell us through the singing
of the stars, the quickening of a baby, the gallantry
of a dying man.

Listen. Quietly. Humbly. Without arrogance.

Advent Season

Advent is here! I used to roll my eyes when my dad started talking about advent every year...but now, it has changed (as so many things have).

My church does advent which I truly appreciate. The kids are involved and they are the ones that light the candles. You never realize how much you like something until it's gone. We went to church with some friends last week as were in Seattle. I loved their church, especially their pastor. he clearly had a heart for the Lord, he was passionate and real. But there was something missing...the 2nd sunday of advent!!

Last year in hopes that I would be full of the advent spirit, I purchased a book called: A Simply Wonderful Christmas- A Literary Advent Calendar. I of course just found it while cleaning today...December 11th...but never fear, I shall plunge on ahead and just catch up a bit. Tonight's rendition: The Spirit of Christmas.
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I went to the George Fox Christmas concert tonight. I think it might have been one of the best preparations for this season. I went into it not expecting too much...but I can honestly say that the reason for the season was apparent and I found myself tearfully joyful: Good christian men rejoice, with heart and soul and voice! Give ye heed of what we say! News! News! Jesus Christ is born today!

This years theme was: All is calm, all is bright!

The last song that they sang started with a single bagpipe walking from the back, then the choir started in and the band and orchestra. At the end the bagpipe and snare drum join in. I have never heard such beautiful sounds before...honestly I think it was a glimpse of what heaven will sound like. I closed my eyes and wondered, is this what the angels sounded like when that babe was born? The hope of all mankind came to the earth and the angels REJOICED!

Home has changed. I don't know how, or really when the switch happened...but tonight it became incredibly apparent that it has shifted.

That's a fairly earth-shattering conclusion to come to before a Monday morning.

Miss Stacey, Paperbackswap

If I could be like anyone I have to say I'd be honored to be Miss Stacey. While watching Anne of Green Gables again today I'm reminded what a remarkable woman she is, and how ahead of her time. Something about education always makes me think that everyone in the past was crazy and didn't do it correctly...just not the case. I was looking up things about Miss Stacey and someone mentioned that she was in the style of Charlotte Mason...I read up a bit on her and it turns out in the early 1900's they weren't completely insane. Then I got super excited about all the theory I read in college, and I was reminded again of John Dewey, Lev Vygotsky and the others that I fell in love with and "pilfered" their methods and styles to shape my own. There are modern influences as well: Raffe Esquith, Esme Raji Codell, Johnathan Kozol, and so many others. Jo Robinson came to the Newberg School distrct last week to give a workshop about reading, etc. She was incredible, but one things she said in particular stood out to me. "We stand on the shoulders of those who have come before us." It's funny I so often can only see right where I am, and that nothing else in education or life really, has every been different than right here and now. But the fact is there are giants that have come before me, with the same struggles, same love and passion and same crazy students. It's encouraging really, but also overwhelmling...that many teachers over the years, and we haven't perfected anything yet.

Paperbackswap is a fabulous organization. You post books that you don't want anymore online and people decide they want them and send for them. Then you get "credits" and you order books from other people that you want. And so it goes, back and forth...the epitomy of recylcing in one of the best ways possible...reaching out to others with literature! What could be better? I'm quite sure that the 7 people recieving books from me this week will think that I'm slightly insane as I've included notes in each package. It's just so exciting, sending a book to a stranger. Someone across the continent is going to open the book full of possibilities and with different experiences and thoughts and feelings read a book that has been pivitol for me in my life. I just think it's thrilling! What a fabulous idea, and thank you to the creator whoever he/they may be...I'm quite content to recycle my books!

The rain has come at last...

There is a switch at the beginning of autumn each year. For a bit of time now it's been coming. I haven't said anything about it yet...sometimes if you speak of these things too quickly they slip away like fairies into the mist. The air has changed. Oh not all of the air, but the edges of it...there's a crispness that slides in at morning, and creeps back in around twilight. There have been other signs too...the spiders are out in full force, one large one specifically has been lost in our home for a bit...Heather however took care of him...poor spider! Leave are beginning to change. There is at least one leaf on every tree I've seen that has started-overachievers! This morning I got up at 6:00 for various reasons and it was still dark...one of my least favorite things about this season, but a sign nonetheless. Last week I was sitting on the porch reading and I heard the sound that is the culmination of the season...the geese. They're beginning to disappear to their winter homes. And now, it's as if the weather is reminding us all of what is coming. The intense rain came and with it a chill that is hanging in the air permanently now. The sun tries to pick at it a bit, but it's too late, autumn is here! With it comes all of my favorite things. But that's for a later date, my ode to Autumn!

So to mark this fabulous occurance I have done the following: purchased pussy willows that are now adorning the dining room reminding me of the softness of fall, made a fall color bouquet...and right this very minute I am eating homemade zucchini bread with homemade raspberry jam on top- drinking hot water with lemon- and watching something that warms my heart...Anne of Green Gables. Oh Anne with an e, how you can cure anything that is wrong in the world. Isn't Matthew just the most wonderful man? I truly hope to meet L.M. Montgomery in heaven someday. She and CS Lewis (and of course my father) are single handedly responsible for my imagination. I have already adopted Mr. Lewis as my grandfather...perhaps Ms. Montgomery can be my surregate grandmother...anyone who can write about the outdoors, fairies, human nature and the nature of relationships as beautifully as she does would be a kindred spirit for certain. Whether in "the depths of despair" or "at the heights" Anne has something for everyone. Oh to ask Miss Stacy a question, to wander around the "white way to light" and to frolic around good old PEI. Too bad I can only travel their in my imagination...

I am also finally starting to work on my t-shirt rug. The shirts have been sitting upstairs in the loft forever...and I'm purging everything, it's making me feel better about everything for some reason, plus I've committed to finishing my projects this sabbatical. I am not working on completeing the rag rug from Alterknits. Leigh Radford is a genius and remarkably dwells in Portland...the mecca for all I've decided. Sorry Tyler, but Portland is clearly superior...minus the ocean I do miss my ocean. This is what it should look like when I'm done...same color scheme as well...we'll see! Although yay for Heather and I not fitting into our old clothes, that's how I got all the fabric!

Airport Day

My darling friend Katie, who I met through a book group that I'm in...I should write about that sometime), made coffee for me this morning. We talked about life, and the book we're reading and watched her silly little girl play and sing. She is absolutely remarkable and I love watching her brain work and hard wire new information...did I mention she says Jessi in the cutest voice ever??

Then I ran to Sherwood to grab the world travelers...and we were off...after Tyler repacked his bag again!!! As we drove to the airport I listened to Tyler regail us with his tales of how amazing the world would be if he ran it. What an interesting way to say goodbye! Farewells are always so tricky for me...I really struggle with not making them bittersweet. This time specifically, especially because there's no right or wrong way to handle stuff like that. 23 days is a LONG time, just for the record!

I then proceeded to get lost on the way back from the airport. Shocking really since I've been there several times recently and in the grand scheme of my time in Oregon I have been there frequently. I tried to find a gas station and somehow ended up, actually I don't know where I was. But I got stopped at this red light and found myself being very frustrated. But then all these police cards and motor cycles came out of nowhere and a motorcycle group: The Patriot Riders, came riding by...and the a hurst and MANY military cars and flags. My mind suddenly realized that I totally believe that I'm at the center of the universe sometimes. But truth be told there's hundreds of thousands of "center of the universe" stories going on. For me it was the day I took some friends to the airport and then killed some time before school starts of Tuesday. But to this family or group of people it will forever be a different kind of day. How seflish am I in my own head sometimes? It reminded me a lot of the book we're reading in book group An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor. Barbara talks a lot about the practice of "waking up" and "paying attention" to things around us...but also to people. I find myself forgetting to do this on a regular basis. Everyone else has things going on too, just look into their faces and eyes.

I finally found my way to MLK and did some people watching, then headed over the bridge to the Pearl district. I decided just to park randomly and walked around hoping to find some interesting things. I had a blast from the past and found Hannah Anderson - a clothing company started in Portland. I practically grew up in these clothes when I was little. My mom bought the skirts, tights, pants, etc because "they were reasonable" and "so cute" and "they lasted forever".

Then I wandered around and found a ladybug cart...who knew in Portland of all places...and she was making polenta, and vegan meatballs with special sauces. So I had some..and cucumber basil lemonade...delicious!!! I found a park to eat in, partook in the food and Mrs. Taylor. If only all of my days could go like this...I'm not ready for school to start, I'm not ready to do the first day without people, I'm not ready to embrace the possibilities/come to terms with these crazy changes in my life, I'm not ready to even think about the future-I can barely grasp where we're at right now.

Tuesday is coming closer and closer...and I want to live it up before it dawns...if only I had someone to kayaak with tomorrow.

Lunch Yesterday...

In light of the summer drawing to a close, I've been trying to suck the life out of each day. Sometimes I do a great job...case in point- Wednesday. Wednesday: Woke up fairly earlyish, headed out to McMinnville (not connected by any major thoroughfare or road) to register as subs...again, had a fabulous breakfast, picked beautiful flowers at "Gramma's Place" and also some wildflowers along the road, bought some delicious produce at a roadside stand, found some pussywillows, went for a LONG and glorious run, hung out at the pool with a book, slept in the sun and then cooked dinner with good friends, and the day ended playing at the park...what could be better?

However Thursday I wasted a ton of time "cleaning and organizing". Why is it that you can start the day so full of ambition and plans, and it tanks after that coffee doesn't quite kick in the way you need it to? So much wasted time...the only true bright spot in the day was this fabulous salad that I just made up and reading outside (and the first part of saying goodbye too...not to diminish that!)...and a truly brilliant idea. I am going to start documenting my various fabulously relaxing lunches that I make, or find randomly.

Sadly my USB ports have suddenly stopped working on my laptop, so I can't upload the picture yet...but "picture" (ha ha) this...fresh: avacados, peaches, purple (yes, that's right purple) pepper, blackberries, and mozerella cheese. The dressing: 2 spoonfuls Nancy's yogurt, a splish of balsamic vinegar, a splash of agave syrup, a squeeze of lime and a dash of salt...stired together and poured over the salad...bravissimo!!! Fabulous...throw in some "Under the Tuscan Sun" and I'm a happy camper out on the porch.

Stay tuned for today's lunch...I had to register for insurance last night and didn't quite get this part out...that and the end of the night was not what I expected. C'est la vie, hmm...what's french for clearly I'm mostly ridiculous? Clairement, je suis la plupart du temps ridicule!

Sabbatical

I am on a sabbatical (this is how I am now referring to my forced non-classroom status). I have been strongly encouraged, to the point of harassment, by someone I love to take some time to just be, and to figure things out...to borrow the cliche and extremely overused status of "finding myself". But of course I can't just sit around waiting for this to happen, I am therefore going to do the following:

- I will be taking a children's writing course, in the spirit of finally finishing that book that I've been writing and see what might come next.
- Cooking classes...just a couple here and there that I think might be fun
- A sewing class...and yes I am going to finish the apron I cut out over a month ago
- Finishing all of my unfinished knitting projects...I am going to attempt to not start another one until all these other things are finished.
- Writing sunday school curriculum with Karen for church (guilty indulgent pleasure!)
- My book group...and one I have created for myself about food (Kingsolver, Pollan, Kessler, Schaeffer)
- My self discovery series (just picked up from Powell's with the credit from selling books!): Surprised by Joy- C.S. Lewis, Walking on Water- Madeline L'Engle, Title I can't remember but which sounds delicious- Thomas Merton, The Four Loves- C.S. Lewis, Plan B- Anne Lamot, and something by Catherine Marshall that I can't remember the title of...more titles to come as I discover more!
- Yoga! Yes I am finally going to do it!
- Running/Pilates/Biking...on a consistent basis once again now that I will have a schedule back in place
- Buying a bike...yes it will happen, maybe not before my consultant goes to Australia, but it will happen!
- Redecorating/purging myself of all unwanted/unused things!

I am harkening to a different me. One who lives in the moment (or at least will try to) and who will be content with where I am. Though it is not where I want to be necessarily, this whole sabbatical idea has struck a chord within me somehwere and I am now quite excited to be present for this next phase. This isn't to say that I am not still sad...bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils have been dancing through my head...walking into "my" organized classroom of someone else's stuff today nearly took my breath a way...not in the good way. But under the grief (sounds melodramatic, but that's what it's been) I have decided to embrace the time. Therefore I am starting this new chapter with fidelity (yes the f word) and felicity...I added that just for the lovely assonance in creates.

Goodbye former purpose, hello sabbatical...those of you wishing to find me will either find me not at home, curled up reading somewhere or laying out under the stars training myself to be present in the here and now...I think I see the big dipper now!

RISK

more than others think is safe

CARE

more than others think is wise

DREAM

more than others think is practical

EXEPCT

more than other's think is possible

I got this poem from the class I was taking this week. I was so energized and encouraged and excited about teaching and next year and planning with a partner of mine...and I was constantly reminded about my lack of job. But I have this deep sense of hope, I don't know if it's wise or not, but I just feel like I'm going to be able to put all of things into effect...mostly I just don't know. But I'm hopeful, perhaps foolishly so, but it's there.

In the meantime I'm trying to take it easy, and relax, and work on not being busy...which I am TERRIBLE at, but here's a glimpse at my attempt!

These are the lights amidst all the unknowns of life right now. The thought of not walking into a classroom each day makes my heart break. Heather and I talked today about how each day for us it's like new levels of heartbreak. But I think that's how it is when you love what you do. So if nothing else comes from all of this, I know that this is more than a job for me. In college I was always so worried that teaching was a cop out for me and that it wasn't what I should/really want to be doing...but through the last couple of weeks it's become apparent that this is it. I may have other capacities in life, and there are other things that I want to do...but I am fulfilled here. So...I will continue to hold onto hope that the budget will sort itself out. I will pray that I will be graceful and kind through this process. I will hope that I will continue to be effective. And each day I will stand at the door and watch these faces walk through the door, I will give hugs when they are hurt, I will smile when they look at me, I will teach hard so that they soak up all they can, and I will laugh with them often and much. Because they are why I do what I do, not the paycheck, and above all I will remember that there is purpose to difficulties, even if it's not my favorite.
Seriously how can you not love these guys! :)

Musings

I sit here in the Cottage with delicious granola and yogurt and some steaming coffee, listening to the buzz of conversation. And it is just that today...the buzz of a huge bee as the Coffee Cottage is bursting at the seams today with people. There is something both comforting and lonely in the hubbub of conversation in coffee shops. One can loose themselves in their own thoughts and use the buzz as a sort of white noise for thinking, or you can indulge in the lack of people you have to buzz with...thanfully I've been pondering the former, not the latter.

It is graduation weekend in Newberg...not high school, but George Fox. The lovely women behind the counter this morning asked me when I graduated, and I had to think about it..."2006," I said, "whever that we was..." and then we both stood there trying to figure out how long ago that was...3 years ago...my gosh ahs it been that long. We were both in wonder that it had been 3 years. I think this might be one of the first times in a long time that I haven't felt incredibly sad as I look back. It's healthy I think. I treasure the time that I had at Fox. I am in awe once again of the Lord, and his timing in all things. And how truly out of the loop I usually am on what is good or not good for me. I came to Fox kicking and screaming, at least internally. I literally spent the first 3 monhts crying...seriously at least once a day. Yet this place that I was so scared about being at was the place that gave me a piece of ground to climb up on and explore, and the space to kind of figure out who I am...not that I've figured it out yet, but the questions were ok to c ask in this safe place. It gave me this incredible support system of friends that more closely resemble family then much of my own family, and certainly more so than I ever thought possible. I sat across the table earlier from a friend from college and marveled at how differently our lives hav worked out, yet how ok that was. We reminsiced about college and silliness and seriousness, and i realized that I can now fondly look back on this time and be content with where I'm at. Of course that's just today who knows how I will feel tomorrow...my emotions have always been a little fickle that way but all of this reminscing reminded me of something I found this week.

A staff member of ours feel and broke 3 of her ribs. She is the PILC teacher, so the teacher of the kdis who need and crave consistency the most. She has an incredible heart and drive for teaching...so much so that she hasn't reitred although she's been eligigble for years. As head of the social committee I was writing her a card to send and then I realized that she's a Chrstian and might appreciate some encouragement from the world, not just my feeble attempts at eloquent words. I looked up rest on the Lord or something of tha nature and found this website with verse and verse, page after page of verses...and each one pierced just a little. Am I so finite in my mind that I truly believe everything hinges on my plan? That God somehow has lost control of the situation becasue there are budget meetings, and layoffs, and RIFS, and NEA meetings? Did he somehow loose his supremacy in the midst of the stimulus packages...the answer should be a resounding No in my head and heart. I make the distinction because so many things I know in my head, but they take SO long to transwer to my heart. Why is that? As I read down the list of verses I was reminded (read beat over teh head senselssly with what I've been forgetting) that this is when God is at is best...when I am at my weakest, but because he delights in us feeling helpless or confused, but because that's one of the only times I can figure out how to get yself and my pride out of the way long enough to remember that I am not the big picture here...I even wrote thsi in a card today that reminded me somewhere in my subconcsious I do know that God is in control:
"I've noticed as of late that many things in my life are out of my control, but fortuantely we are held in a much safer and secure place. I pray we can remember that as the years continue we can remind each other of His love, steadfastness, and extreme faithfulness, when we inevitaby forget that there is a rock to which we cling...or at least should be."

I'm including the verse page because I just can't be the only one who consistently forgets that there is something else besides me and my musings...

Discoveries from a 1st Grade Math Unit

Discoveries Today:

- Goats are amazing...and so are the people that raise them!
- Their milk is incredibly beneficial for health things (I would be more specific if I could, I only know it cured arthritis and I read it in a poem too)
- I like goat milk...it tastes really good!
- Some first graders discovered something wonderful today...some did not!
- They are a lot more excited to try something if the teacher tries it too!
- 1st grade is awesome!

The goat lady was a real person! This is one of the most wonderful books I've ever read and I found it at Chapters for really cheap. As I was looking up the information about goats and such for today I found an article about the goat lady as the booy is based on a true story. So cool!

Easter...

The culmination of the Christian faith. Without the resurrection there is no Christianity. There is just a presumed savior that died on the cross just like all the other radicals, or criminals in Rome at that time. We know Jesus lived. Historically there is much to prove to that Jesus lived, and his living is important...but it's that whole raising from the dead thing that is so pivotal for our faith...yet as my pastor said today, and I thought it was so well put...we've heard the "punch line" so much that we don't seem to care anymore.

This guy read this poem before church even started today and it was all about how we should be dancing in the streets, and instead of wondering what to wear this morning we should have been dancing and singing and rejoicing...He is risen! Does it get any better than that? Is there anything sweeter than death conquered by our savior?

While I was listening to Rick this morning and trying to figure out where I lost the "magic" of it all, the wonder, etc. and I remembered a story told to me over and over to my parents. I was trying to decide if it's something I truly remember or if it's just the story pieces that have stuck in my mind. There used to be (and may still be) this garden in BC...I can't remember where but I think we went under a concrete tunnel thing and held our breaths (because that's what you do in tunnels!) to get there. Anyway in this garden were statues. And as my parents have an obsessions with gardens...VanDuzen gardens for LONG periods of time growing up...we used to go there a lot. The statues were of lots of things I think, but there were some depicting Jesus' life. There was an empty tomb on this little walk and I, as the story goes, was fascinated by this. I feel like I remember the sheer wonder and excitement of it being empty. I feel like I remember running in and out of it and being so excited that nothing was there, that he didn't die after all, it wasn't true, he was alive...and I was humbled for a moment. Where did that go? I want to be excited again, to feel wonder and amazement at this miracle. Who else has conquered death? In all world views there is death...and it's final. You don't come back alive from death, yes some people believe in reincarnation or life somwhere else...but it's not the same. Jesus ROSE FROM THE DEAD! Seriously. I can't even imagine what that would have looked like in the garden when people found out, or when he appeared to those people who loved him so dearly and were his closest friends and disciples on earth. How incredible...and some of the wonder is seeping back in because of my imagination but I want my heart to feel it.

http://www.imagodeicommunity.com/information/sermons/christ-is-risen-indeed/

So much to process and think about...and I wish I could remember the gardens name!

New friends...farm units...and no voice!

"I'm working with a not very well trained banker!"
- said Griffin as we were working on our new farm unit. You have to pay for the land and the different things you put on your farm, and I was the banker, as was my student teacher. Griffin felt that the student teacher wasn't making enough effort in this endeavor.

But this has been the coolest math unit. I have kids saying..."Yes it's math!" Now really, what teacher doesn't want to hear that?? And guess what they're doing? Counting by 5,'s 10's and 1's, using spatial reasoning to figure out where to put things, multiplying as they figure out how things cost, budgeting because they only have so much money...all in one unit, not to mention the geometry, map skills and such that they're using and reinforcing...have I mentioned that I love Bridges??

My job is wonderful, even when I'm tired and it's long and hard I love it! Today they did an awesome job of purchasing all of their farm and equipment and paying for it, I was so impressed! There were whispers of "5, 10, 15, 20, 25, " and "10, 20, 30, 40" and "15, 20, 21, 22, 23" and my favorite "No not like that, let me show you!"

I'll have to post a picture of their farms soon! :)

Frustrated Funk

I woke up this morning ready for a new day and almost immediately something else settled right into my emotions, it was sleeping and at bay during the night, but suddenly it awoke too, washing me in a funkish state.

There's clearly a battle going on in my head, and who knows where else. The emotional and rational are at odds again...which isn't so odd in my subconscious, to this extent however, it is different. I'm struggling between allowing this emotional piece to overtake me, or to overcome it and let it all go. There are so many pieces that would allow me to do one or the other, but it's the strangest feeling. I feel like Alice who is eating and drinking and shrinking and growing all the while wondering how in the world all of this occurred as you're not supposed to be able to grow and shrink at a moments notice. My rational side says that everything is fine. That I am not in control someone else is and that it will be fine. The worries that I have will sort themselves out, I will figure out how to live in a new reality if things do not go my way and that I am loved and supported. My emotional side wants my Mom! Is certain that things are not going to be ok and that they're going to be painful. Is anticipating new realities that I'm not interested in and is SO frustrated that once again my throat is sore, nose is running and coughing is still there.

What I need is always a bit of a foggy idea for me. I'm never sure if letting myself feel what I need to feel, then moving on to reality is the best idea or trying to stand strong under it and shoving it away is the best. I have done both successfully and I have tried both in the wrong circumstances resulting in current or delayed messes.

There are many times that I wish that I was 6, that I could curl up in my Daddy's lap and know that when I opened my eyes, everything would be ok. I've heard God likened to this more than once, but I just can't wrap my head around what that looks like without a physical lap. So I don't know what to choose...I don't know if emotional or rational will win...so, I'm going running in hopes that I can clear my head, or at least get involved enough that I don't think about the other stuff.

It is incredible to me that I can go from being a mature, poised (somewhat) 25 year old...and over the course of one phone call that I didn't even get to answer, I am suddenly 14.

I guess it goes to show you that you don't really grow out of the anxiety or crazy ridiculousness...especially if it's genetically a part of your makeup...thanks a lot mom! :) I am just a place for panic to dwell...this week has been a great display of this talent that I possess and it's only Tuesday. I have panicked over my car, my job, running, money, teaching, field trips, the art auction, and now a whole pack of other things that come with one phone call...amazing!

My father reminded me not so subtly of the command, not suggestion, of do not be anxious...you know that's actually one of the most difficult things in my realm of life. And it's all over, in many, many places...so it's obviously not just a passing fancy, but rather something I'm supposed to pay attention to...I'm figuring out how to work on this...and in the meantime trying not to act 14.

Oops!

A friend of mine recently was searching for my blog and found this:

http://jessiwhitaker.blogspot.com/

Yes! I blog I started in 2006, right after graduation...ironically this is the same blog that didn't allow me to use Jessi Whitaker as my blogspot name 2 years later when I started another blog. I don't even remember creating this first one, but it was very interesting reading it now...

How is it that I haven't really figured out much since that first post after graduation??

Wonderings

I find myself continually furstrated and confused about who I am.

Reading this book "Ruby Slippers" has made me think a lot...mostly about how odd and seemingly incorrect she (Jonalyn Grace Fincher) is...but has also made me stop and ponder:
- God created male and female. Why? Before the fall, what was the purpose for both? What do I as a woman bring to the table that is different, unique, and important? paraphrased: What is the point?
- Who am I? Friends, social influences, family influences, boxes, books, stereotypes aside, who am I?
- What is the truth behind creation? Is it a historical document? Narrative explained to the best of the ability at the time? Myth based on fact? And if it something else than pure fact...what's the point of Adam and Eve? Are they true? And if not, is there any hope of discovering God's pure purpose for women without the example before the fall?

There are so many things I do not understand. And my fear is that there is no definitive answer. The more I search, I feel like more questions arise that lead me into tangents with even more questions...leaving me much more confused and lost than before, but somehow also settled and content. Can you be both at once? So much of the time I feel my emotions and feelings are at odds with each other, almost paradoxical. I wonder the purpose behind that.

One of the most useful things from Fincher's book, at least thus far from my perspective, has been the discussion of knowhitng what's behind my emotions at any given moment. And then the idea that it is my job to figure out whwat's going on and then turning it back over to the Lord, to change the deeper issue, to work on my heart and the whys. And even, perhaps in my case, to ask for the wisdom and clarity to even distinguish what is in my emotions.

I'm 25. I feel like I should be so much further than I am, in so many ways. Is that truth or lies that I'm supposed to believe so that I feel less than I actually am?

Many questions for a Sunday night before a new week of school!

The Paradox

I sat today in a wonderful bakery full of lots of hustle and bustle, wonderful smells, and lots of people talking, some in English, some not...and it was a beautiful thing. To sit across from a truly kindred spirit...to borrow an addege from Anne...

It is a beautiful thing to be understood. To be able to share what is on your heart and mind with another person and to have them "get you" for lack of a better term. These last few months have been filled with so much. I find myself wheeling and whirling in spite of everything as I try and figure out the answers to seriously big questions. And today there were no profound answers, writing in the sky or hand delivered notes or codes broken...but there was an exchange of thoughts, of fears and struggles, a safe place to talk and to listen. Beauty is found in the most interesting places, and so often places I don't expect or even realize are there.

And yet there is another piece to the day...the piece where you are let down, hurt, or forgotten. Such a huge paradox from the beauty, safety and serenity of the afternoon. But isn't that how life truly is? This paradox of good and bad, beautiful and ugly, kind and cruel...it's a constant balancing act I feel like just to keep my head above the water sometimes...

But there is a choice...as I was reminded by a sweet person late this evening: and God has been with you so far and he will continue to be there for you for the next quarter century. It's good to be reminded that He's not going anywhere and just have to believe that when we feel out of control he is the most in control.
My youth pastor in high school also used to sing this song ALL the time, it was his favorite...God is good, all the time, through the darkest night his light will shine, God is good, God is good, all the time.

And so I remember that there is a choice. Life may be full of paradoxes and things out of my control...but I still have the choice. And so hard as it may be at this moment right now, I choose to remember the beauty of this afternoon, the kindness of a friend, and with God's grace and his giant arms that I can almost imagine enveloping me, I will try and let the rest fade away. Though there is a piece of me that is hurt, I feel that the bigger part of me (hopefully) is trying to find a place of healing for so many parts of me. And the fact that there is someone who is willing to walk through that with me, is so encouraging...although the bigger reminder here I feel is that there is always someone walking beside me as I go through different things...it's the same person that gets swept under the run and disappears away from thoughts when life is perfect and happy...so I am going to continue to work towards letting that person be my focus instead of the other stuff...oh how tricky that truly is. Perhaps at 25 I'll magically get it! :)